Recently I heard of a child who was given a Worry Box. He was to write little notes, his worries, and place them into the box. I'm sure we can all work out why - we put the box away, and the we can then get a good night's sleep.
On and off, I've been waking up in the night, unable to get back to sleep, and have started having what I call "Busy head". I can't get thoughts out of my head, thoughts that would not worry me much in daylight, but at 4am, they do.
For a variety of reasons, I went to the doctor last week and I think amongst other things, I might be anaemic. A fasting blood test last Friday will show those results soon. I complained to the doc that I'd lost my "vim and vigour" since Easter. (There are other reasons for my possible anaemia - I am 42 and think things are 'changing' - but I'm not discussing that here!)
For most of the time since Easter, it's been a mammoth effort to get anything done around the house. I've taken on some extra teaching duties, which have been great even if I was a bit anxious at first. I enjoy being challenged. I haven't been out running (read shuffling) since then; after a cold I stopped and never got back on it. Some may call me a sluttern, I'm not that bad, but I am not known to be much of a housewife! But even by my standards, it's been a real effort to clear up the kitchen and empty the dishwasher.
What has also been worrying me is not posting three cards. Yes, I know it sounds weird, but at 4am it's my big problem. I have in my kitchen launch pad three unposted cards: one for a friend who was 50 in April; one for a new mum and the baby is now about three months old; and one for a mum-to-be/newly engaged person who now has a big bump and has organised her wedding already. Why haven't I posted them? I don't know why! I can't explain. Why do I keep forgetting?
A phone call to my best friend Sarah was in order, I knew she would be able to sort it out. I admitted the unposted cards worry. I admitted that I thought that these three friends, only two of whom are known to each other, would meet up and give me three big crosses in a list that I imagine exists of All The Things I Should Do. The fact that one is pregnant, planning her wedding and one is a new mum escapes me, why would they have the time or energy to even contemplate this?
Of Sarah, I asked What do these unposted cards represent? She asked of me What would you worry about if you didn't worry about them? I didn't know.
Luckily, the right answer is never far away with your best friend. I've got it, she said. Send the bloody cards to me! We roared with laughter, I knew she'd sort it out.
Much of my emotional bandwidth focus (my new phrase) has, since March, been taken up by the 5:2 diet. Yes it has worked; I've lost a stone so far but am on a mini break for half-term. I have trouble around food in any case - but not how you think! I always feel I need to cook better meals for us and for my seven year old son. It's the subject of one of my guilt-fests. So I have been using up a lot of energy in focusing on us doing 5:2 (yes Mr Humdrum is doing it too - quite well I may so) and then eating healthily for the remainder of the week. Maybe I haven't got enough bandwidth to focus on other things? I certainly don't think that 5:2 is bad for me, and I don't think that it is related at all to my loss of vim and vigour. In fact, the opposite. I have felt worse the last couple of weeks and haven't even had the energy to do 5:2.
Last Friday, the last day before half-term, I came home from school and felt like a switch had been flicked on. I suddenly started sorting out some of the mess in the kitchen (my launch pad area where I keep "stuff"). I think I even cooked a meal and tidied the kitchen.
Sarah has some experience of anaemia and she said it can make you feel down and slightly paranoid. I think that might answer some of my issues then!
To sum up, I think I am feeling better for two reasons - the doctor is taking me seriously instead of fobbing me off with "Come back in six months" and also it's half-term, and I needed a rest. In any case, I've managed to park my health issues with the doctor, like putting a note in his worry box. That's good enough for now. Regarding the unposted cards, I think they represent me not being able to achieve as much as I used to. What to do? I've parked it in Sarah's worry box, but I might also try to accept that I'm not as good, or indeed timely, at sending cards to people as I used to be. I shouldn't feel guilty. And if these people are friends, they are hardly going to be giving me crosses on that long list! A posted card does not a good friend make!
This Saturday Mr Humdrum and I are having a joint 42nd birthday party at our house. Compared to our 40th party, this one will be a little quieter and more sedate. Well what I mean is the numbers are lower, I bet we will still be as noisy! As well as my lovely local mates, some of my uni group are coming too - two of whom I haven't seen for possibly seven years! I know I will be buzzing off this for weeks to come. Roll on Saturday!